On February 12, 2009 at 10:45 AM, the State of Minnesota acknowledged what anyone who has known our family has known for months, I am Baby Bear's parent. Below are remarks I gave that afternoon, at a Freedom to Marry rally at our State Capitol.
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Hello, my name is Kathy Davis, though most people call me Davis. Thank you for allowing me to speak to you today, and thank you for coming out to support something you believe in.
This morning, I adopted my 6 month old son Tommy. It was a cause for celebration , so my family was there. We now have another special day, along with Tommy's birthday, another reason for our family to gather together more often to celebrate our family. However, this special day, this new important date in our family’s calendar, never should have had to happen. I never should have had to have my fingerprints taken or submit to a background check to see if I could legally be a parent to my child. Because I have been Tommy's parent since he was born. I have been Tommy's parent since before he was born. I was there when he was conceived, there for every prenatal appointment, there when he was born, there to cut the cord. I've been there for my son through all of this, yet until today, the State of Minnesota never recognized me as his parent, because his mother and I are not married. And we can't get married, because the State of Minnesota doesn't recognize our love as real, or the two of us as equal citizens.
Were we able to be married, my lovely partner Jennifer - my son's mother - could have simply filled out a form that the state sent along with Tommy's birth certificate application, I could have signed my name, and just like that, be recognized as his parent. Were we able to be married, we wouldn't have had to prepare countless forms before he was born, for fear something would happen to him or Jennifer, and I, a "legal stranger" would not be able to be with either of them.
Legal stranger. That is a term. Think about that. Think about the fact that in the eyes of the State of Minnesota, until this morning Tommy was, and Jennifer still is, nothing to me, and I am nothing to them. In the eyes of the State, the years we've been together, loving each other through struggles and achievements, the support we've given each other, the home that we've made and that became home to numerous wayward animals and now a son, our son, all of that is nothing. Our family, our beautiful family that even strangers notice with a smile, that family is nothing in the eyes of the law.
And there are people that would tell me, even now, "No, that's not what we're saying, we're just saying you can't get married. And we're just saying that because, well, because it's better for children to have a man and a woman as parents…or that's what the Bible says…or, that's just the way it's always been here." But you know what? That's a bunch of bull. I know that each of those reasons can be debunked through logic, and experience, and just plain common sense. I believe that many of the people making those arguments know they are invalid, and use them to play on the ignorance, the misguidance and the fear of a shrinking population of Americans who do not recognize or respect non-traditional families. It must be for some more significant reason than that the State of Minnesota just wants me, and you, and every family and person like us to know, without a doubt, that we are nothing, or far less than others, not equal to them.
If that's not the case, if this state and the people that make the laws here do value me, and my family, and you and your family, and the countless other families like ours, then what reason do we have left to prevent us from declaring that love? What reason do we have to force me and parents like me to have to answer the question one day from our own children, "Mommies, why aren't you married?" What reason should I tell my son? What reason could I give him that wouldn't tell him that people thought it was wrong for his moms to get married? Can you think of any reason other than "..because our State, the State that we've chosen to make our home in, doesn't value your mommies like they do some other parents?" or "Because our family is different?" or maybe because speaking of "gay marriage" in generic terms allowed some of the people we trusted to run our state to say those things without really saying them?
That's why I chose to come here today, to share my story with you. To share Tommy's story with you, to share my family's story with you. Because talking about "gay marriage" like it's something esoteric or up for debate is one thing, but looking my family in the eye, looking my son in the eye and explaining why I wasn't his mommy - really - until just this morning, is quite another.
My partner's grandmother, an amazing woman we call Granny Mary was the one who originally inspired us to have a baby. We visit Granny Mary in Missouri a few times a year, and on one of those visits, seemingly out of the blue, she asked "When are you two going to have a baby? I saw something on the tv about kids with gay parents, and they seemed just fine." About a year later, we called Granny Mary to tell her our big news. Her initial response was a question "Well is this baby going to know its daddy?" And we explained that no, we had chosen an anonymous donor. Her response, something I will never forget was "Good…that baby don't need a Daddy, it's got a Davis."
Granny Mary, at 80 years old, has seen a lot. She's seen enough to know that love is love, people are people, and a Davis is just as valuable as a Daddy. Granny Mary gets it, so why is the State of Minnesota so far behind? Why can't they realize that what's wrong with this world certainly isn't that there are too many people loving each other. Because love is all we're really talking about isn't it? Just love, and the formal declaration of it? Wouldn't this world be a better place if we all did a bit more of that, a bit more declaring of love?
Today, in a courtroom in Minneapolis, I declared my love for my son. I thank the State of Minnesota for the opportunity, but it shouldn't have had to happen. I declare my love every day, several times a day, and I did it before he was officially my son. Tommy has always been my son. To me, to our family, to the strangers we meet on the street, Tommy has always been my son. To everyone except the State of Minnesota, Tommy's always been my boy, and I've always been his mommy, his Davis. I don't need the State to tell me that, but I need the State to be willing to say it. Until then, no matter how long I've loved him and no matter how many people call him my son, I'm just a legal stranger. It's not right, and no one can convince me or Granny Mary that it is. Don't let them convince you.
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