Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Wow....

Wow. That could be this entire post little man. Wow wow wow. You are here, and have been here since August 7th, and yet everyday I sit down to write something about you, and all I come up with is wow. You are the first person, besides Mama Bear, to completely put me at a loss for words. I think that is a good sign little one.

You are beautiful and amazing, and bigger than I ever expected you to be. Your little eyes are so full of wonder and trust and excitement at the world around you that I can't wait to start exploring that world with you every chance we get. You have brought Mama Bear and I closer than I ever thought possible, and made 3 AM wake ups a fun and exciting event. We are the luckiest mommies in the world.

And yet I can't think of any way to describe the fullness in my heart now that you're here. I have two things that come to mind, but neither do this feeling justice, so when you read these someday, know that no matter how warm and fuzzy they sound, the feeling I have when I look at you is so much more than these.

So how do I feel about you? Here's one analogy - when I was a little kid, probably about 7 or 8, I got really into lizards. I don't know how it happened, maybe it was related to a trip we took to Florida, but I was really obsessed with them, and had two - a bearded dragon and a gecko. The dragon was bigger and had some neat scales and colors, and the gecko was mostly green, but turned brown sometimes, which was neat. They both had scaly skin in some places, but extremely soft paper-thin skin near their legs and bellys, and petting this skin became very soothing to me, especially when my mom would go on one of her tears.

I found those lizards and their soft skin so soothing, that I one day tried, albeit unsuccesfully, to take the dragon (the larger and heartier one I thought) in the pocket of my uniform shirt to school. I just thought that having him with me during the day would be so soothing, so relaxing, and would allow me to pet him and let him know how much I loved him during those 6-8 hours we had to be apart. It didn't work, but it was a good idea I think.

So do you remind me of this lizard because of your peeling soft skin or your knack for sticking your tongue so far out? No little man. You remind me of the lizard because if I could, I would scoop you up and put you in my pocket, because I hate the thought of even a minute going by where I can't touch you or kiss you or tell you how much I love you. That's why lizard man, not because of the peeling skin (okay, maybe just a teeny bit because of the skin).

So what's the other analogy for the way this little angel makes me feel? It's a bit sadder, though I don't think it should be, but I'll tell it for posterity too. Five years ago this past March, I lost my dad, the only person besides my grandma (who I lost a number of years before that) who kept me going as a kid and made me realize I was something special. My dad was my hero, my best friend, and my greatest fan. There were times after he was gone where the slightest song on the radio, or line in a movie or book would make my heart ache for him, and I often thought that this would just go on forever. In some ways it has, and in some ways I value that little hole in my heart, because it reminds me just how much I was loved by him.

So what does this have to do with you Baby Bear? Well, there's the fact that I had an amazing dream about my Dad during Mama Bear's labor, during one of the precious moments during those two days where we caught some sleep, but that's not the main thing. Here it is - when I saw you for the first time Baby Bear, I honestly felt that hole in my heart that my Dad left closing up a little bit. And it wasn't sad, and I don't miss him less, but I truly feel like somewhere in that little soul of yours, is a big piece of your Grandpa buddy. And that feeling is almost (but not exactly, and not quite) as good as the feeling I get when I look at you.

So yeah, as I said before, wow. Thank you for being here Baby Bear. Thank you for getting him here safe and sound Mama Bear. And thank you Dad, for watching over him and letting me know that healing that hole is okay with you. Wows all around.