The Day After

It has been nearly a decade since I have felt this good on a day after a Presidential election. Four years ago I was dumbstruck, and four years before that I was still waiting for results. But this year, tired as I am after an early Tuesday morning of election protection volunteering, I feel hopeful about this country, and confident that the first president elected during my son's life will be one who deeply cares about the issues that will face my little man.

But I feel hopeful for another reason, not just because of the election of Barack Obama, not just because of the amazing number of young black men I saw leaving suburban polling places yesterday and proudly affixing their "I voted" sticker to their chest, not just because of the amazing outpouring of happiness I saw all over this nation last night.

I feel hopeful also because last night, in his first speech as President-Elect, despite the hateful ballot measures passing in CA, FL, AZ and AR, our next President included "gay and straight" in his litany of the different folks who came together and demanded change. And the words rolled off his tongue more easily than I have ever heard from any politician, save maybe for a few of our local greats here in Minnesota.

I feel hopeful because he said it, and included us, and has brought so many people together that I believe he can do the same for families like mine, for people like me, and for those who fear my family. Because I know it can only be fear that makes people feel that they should have the power to prevent me from commiting myself in front of my family, my friends, and my God (in whatever form my God may take), to the mother of my child, my best friend, my partner for life and beyond. And I know it can only be fear that caused the voters of Arkansas to decide that two otherwise completely qualified hopeful parents should be prevented from adopting or fostering a child who needs a home simply because those parents happen to be of the same gender.

I am hopeful President Obama can bring about a time when my infant son does not have to worry about someone else deciding that his family, his mommies, are such a threat that discrimination against them needs to be codified as the law of the land. I am hopeful we will see that day, and that it will be in Tommy's lifetime. And I believe it will, because America is a different place now than it was 10, 20, 30 years ago, and I am hopeful it will be even more different, even better, even fairer for all families and all children, in the future.

So if you have that same hope, please vow to continue this fight for a fairer America. We're on our way, but we're not entirely there yet.

Wow....

Wow. That could be this entire post little man. Wow wow wow. You are here, and have been here since August 7th, and yet everyday I sit down to write something about you, and all I come up with is wow. You are the first person, besides Mama Bear, to completely put me at a loss for words. I think that is a good sign little one.

You are beautiful and amazing, and bigger than I ever expected you to be. Your little eyes are so full of wonder and trust and excitement at the world around you that I can't wait to start exploring that world with you every chance we get. You have brought Mama Bear and I closer than I ever thought possible, and made 3 AM wake ups a fun and exciting event. We are the luckiest mommies in the world.

And yet I can't think of any way to describe the fullness in my heart now that you're here. I have two things that come to mind, but neither do this feeling justice, so when you read these someday, know that no matter how warm and fuzzy they sound, the feeling I have when I look at you is so much more than these.

So how do I feel about you? Here's one analogy - when I was a little kid, probably about 7 or 8, I got really into lizards. I don't know how it happened, maybe it was related to a trip we took to Florida, but I was really obsessed with them, and had two - a bearded dragon and a gecko. The dragon was bigger and had some neat scales and colors, and the gecko was mostly green, but turned brown sometimes, which was neat. They both had scaly skin in some places, but extremely soft paper-thin skin near their legs and bellys, and petting this skin became very soothing to me, especially when my mom would go on one of her tears.

I found those lizards and their soft skin so soothing, that I one day tried, albeit unsuccesfully, to take the dragon (the larger and heartier one I thought) in the pocket of my uniform shirt to school. I just thought that having him with me during the day would be so soothing, so relaxing, and would allow me to pet him and let him know how much I loved him during those 6-8 hours we had to be apart. It didn't work, but it was a good idea I think.

So do you remind me of this lizard because of your peeling soft skin or your knack for sticking your tongue so far out? No little man. You remind me of the lizard because if I could, I would scoop you up and put you in my pocket, because I hate the thought of even a minute going by where I can't touch you or kiss you or tell you how much I love you. That's why lizard man, not because of the peeling skin (okay, maybe just a teeny bit because of the skin).

So what's the other analogy for the way this little angel makes me feel? It's a bit sadder, though I don't think it should be, but I'll tell it for posterity too. Five years ago this past March, I lost my dad, the only person besides my grandma (who I lost a number of years before that) who kept me going as a kid and made me realize I was something special. My dad was my hero, my best friend, and my greatest fan. There were times after he was gone where the slightest song on the radio, or line in a movie or book would make my heart ache for him, and I often thought that this would just go on forever. In some ways it has, and in some ways I value that little hole in my heart, because it reminds me just how much I was loved by him.

So what does this have to do with you Baby Bear? Well, there's the fact that I had an amazing dream about my Dad during Mama Bear's labor, during one of the precious moments during those two days where we caught some sleep, but that's not the main thing. Here it is - when I saw you for the first time Baby Bear, I honestly felt that hole in my heart that my Dad left closing up a little bit. And it wasn't sad, and I don't miss him less, but I truly feel like somewhere in that little soul of yours, is a big piece of your Grandpa buddy. And that feeling is almost (but not exactly, and not quite) as good as the feeling I get when I look at you.

So yeah, as I said before, wow. Thank you for being here Baby Bear. Thank you for getting him here safe and sound Mama Bear. And thank you Dad, for watching over him and letting me know that healing that hole is okay with you. Wows all around.

Our Village

I don't know who first coined the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child," though I know it was the title of a book by Hillary Clinton. I'm not sure of the source, and don't want to attract throngs of Clinton-haters to this blog (though don't worry, I don't kid myself that the throngs will ever arrive...) so I'll just say, I don't know who said it, but it is so so true.

Our Baby Bear isn't even here yet and I already realize how true that statement is. We have so many amazing friends and family members already willing to pitch in and help. Aunties T and B cleaned our house better than it's ever been this weekend, part of their gift to us for the birth (one whole YEAR of cleanings, one a month, for Baby Bear's first year). Grandma Bear arrived Sunday and has been SUCH a help so far, getting Mama Bear focused on birth stuff, making delicious dinners and just providing an extra set of hands around the house. And the list goes on and on.

Not a day goes by where one of our friends doesn't drop a note in my inbox or call on the phone and ask "is there anything we can do?" And the amazing part is, they really mean it. We have some soups already on their way to our freezer, offers to mow the lawn and walk the dog, offers for emergency babysitting...the list goes on and on.

And you know what? I think we have so much support because of who we are. I don't mean "who we are" like "Oh, Mama Bear and Butch Mama are SOOO cool and great that people fall all over themselves to help out." No, that's not what I mean at all. We have so much support because we are lesbians. I am sure of this. Here's why: I think women in general are better at offering help and knowing what needs to be done, especially around new baby arrivals. AND, I think our community in general (the greater GLBT, not just lesbians) helps each other out more - the whole idea of chosen family.

I feel blessed right now, even as we discover a few instances where folks we thought would be helpful are decidedly not (I won't name names, but boy, it's a doozy). I feel blessed to have helpful folks to compare those people with to be able to say "Nope, you don't measure up, you're out of the chosen family."

And right now, even as I read things that anti-gay marriage or family folks publish or say, I'm not as angry anymore. Now, those statements just make me feel pity for those folks, because they will never know the joy of chosen family like we do, and their kids will never grow up with this many loving caring individuals around them.

Now if only I could feel pity for those folks who remained nameless up above...the non-helpfuls. The ex-family members. I'm trying, but....nope, not there yet. Still just angry. I'll keep trying though....

Shower!

The shower was last Saturday, and I can't believe I haven't written about it yet. It was fantastic...great weather, low key, everyone having fun and wonderful gifts.

We decided to have a book shower, because there is a really big bookcase in your room Baby Bear, and the bottom shelf was the only one that was full, and it held Mama Bear's 50+ books on childbirth and pregnancy. I know you are going to be a scholar, but I just can't imagine that you really want to start out life reading "Stories of Natural Childbirth" or "Essays on a Natural Birth" or some of the other titles on that shelf. So we outfitted a few more shelves with gifts last Saturday.

And you know what buddy? We have some amazing friends, because they all put SO much thought into these books. One gift even included books through the ages, so you'll be reading these gifts until your early teen years! Amazing! I was really touched by the thought folks put into their gifts, and can't wait to read them with you. I can actually wait though, so don't come before Monday....Grandma Bear won't be here until some time Sunday, and Mama Bear and I are going to see Neil Diamond Sunday, so stay put until at least then, okay?

Happy Birthday Mama Bear!

It's Mama Bear's birthday! She is now only 1 year younger than me...at least until Spring when I again become 2 years older for 4 months...during which time she reminds me of that difference at least 5 times. But that's one of the many reasons we love Mama Bear, her sense of humor.

I have to tell you Baby Bear, you are one lucky kid, because that Mama of yours nearly forgot her birthday because she is so damn excited about your pending arrival. That's the kind of mom you want to have buddy, trust me. In fact, I think I will force you to read this post the first day that you say "you don't care about me" to your mother. And if you are really stubborn and won't read it yourself, I will read it to you out loud. Because you might be really stubborn. After all, you do have 1/2 of Mama Bear's DNA, and she is, what you would call, a very determined lady (read stubborn like a bull sometimes!)

Our shower (which is a weird word isn't it? I guess it's because you "shower" a person with gifts? But you do that at a birthday party too, don't you?) is tomorrow, and Aunties T and B have been working away to get it ready for you. I can't wait for you to meet them Baby Bear, they are part of our family, and you are the luckiest little man in the world to have their wide range of talents and interests at your little disposal.

I am excited for the shower. I was more excited to give Mama Bear her gift though, because I was really hoping she would like it as much as I thought she might (and she did! Hooray!). I love giving gifts, (especially to Mama Bear) way more than I do getting them, but I am excited to see all our friends tomorrow.

We weren't going to have a shower, but one of our amazing midwives mentioned that it is good to have a chance to celebrate this baby's new life with your close friends and family, which I totally agree with. I guess that is the "reason behind the season" for showers, and something that can get forgotten in all the "are you registered and who bought us the dirty diaper pail?" hoopla these things can bring.

So, I will post an update of the shower soon. For now, I need to get ready to take Mama Bear out for dinner. So behave tonight Baby Bear, I want her to be able to eat without your gloriously long legs poking her gut!!

Waiting is the Hardest Part...

Dear readers (all three of you):

I vow that I will not cop out on the next post and use a song title as the title of the post. I realize this is about as cheap a writing ploy as starting your paper for an English class with some very deep quote, and I apologize, but give me a break, it's hot outside and I haven't been feeling very creative.

But, back to the lecture at hand (ugh! that's a song lyric too! I can't even stop myself!)....waiting. I am growing very very tired of waiting for your arrival Baby Bear, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen any time soon.

Mama Bear's feet are swelling more now, but you seem to be rather high in the tummy BB, and this leads me to believe that you may become an August baby, rather than a "last day of July" baby as you are now scheduled. That doesn't stop at least 8 people per day from asking me when you're due to get here though, so I say "July 30th at least that many times per day...and then think "or later." And then get more impatient.

But don't hurry on my account buddy, you just stay in there until you're good and ready to arrive. Seriously, it's crazy out here. Hot, high gas prices, expensive milk, nutso neighbors. You just take advantage of all that free food and what I imagine is a nicely climate controlled environment while you can. Mama Bear and I will continue doing little putsy things, and avoid the not fun things (like washing all of your tiny Baby Bear clothes so you don't get the dreaded "fresh from the store" rash) and we'll be here when you're ready. But for the time being, could you lay off of the kicking Mama Bear in the ribs? That's REALLY uncomfortable for her, so try to be a little more gentle okay? There will be plenty of time for roughhousing with me when you get out of there and a little more sure on your feet. But Mama Bear? She doesn't like the roughhousing, so wait for me on that one.

If You Go Down to the Woods Today...

The title of this post is from a song I loved as a child. I hope Baby Bear is going to like it too, though I seem to have lost the tape that played it (and come to think of it, we don't have any devices that play tapes in our house anyway).

The reason for the title, however, is that the Bears are coming to town today. (The song is Teddy Bear Picnic, and it's kind of scary, considering we're talking about teddy bears and not real bears in the song....Google the lyrics, they're kind of ominous.) I'm excited about their arrival, because they are, quite honestly, the best in-laws anyone could ever ask for. And I'm not saying that because I think they might read this blog, because they don't even know about it. So there. I'm saying it because it's true.

Grandpa and Grandma Bear are the hardest working folks you'll ever meet. They never stop asking what they can do, or better yet, just figuring out what needs to be done and doing it. Grandpa Bear reminds me in many ways of my father.

My father, Baby Bear's grandpa who he will never get to meet, was the exact same way. I remember vividly the day he came to visit and I asked how to fix a drawer that was off its tracks. Instead of doing it himself, he told me how I could do it. I remember feeling proud, but strangely sad about that interaction. I was proud thinking that he now viewed me as such a grown-up that he wanted me to do it myself, and sad thinking that somehow that made me less his baby.

I now know, looking at the dates of that visit, that he was beginning to lose his fight with cancer at that point. This was the reason he did not offer to fix the drawer, because the fight his body was raging against itself just left him too damn tired. That was the turning point, the beginning of the end, and from that point forward, it was only through his sheer determination that he fought it off.

He fought because I was to graduate later that year, and nothing was going to make him miss that. I was his baby, and I was accomplishing something no one in our family had. Not because of lack of drive or discipline, or intelligence, but because I had far more opportunity and privilege than any family member before me. That was his doing, so I thank whoever was responsible for letting him see the fruits of his labor that year.

I do miss him though, often more when the Bears are in town, thinking of how many wonderful and amazing things could be done in our house with my father and Grandpa Bear working together. We'd likely have a swimming pool, or an addition, or at least a basement that doesn't leak water in strange places. I know he's watching though, and will be through all of what is to come for Mama Bear and me in the next few weeks.

And I know he'll be watching Baby Bear throughout his entire life. When I was a kid in Catholic school (again, two mentions in two posts!) they told us we had guardian angels to watch over us. They never explained who these people were, and I found it slightly troubling that some randomly assigned angel was deciding what I should and shouldn't do. I mean, where was the line between my free will and their helpful guiding hand? How did the assigner of the guardian angels know how to match us up? Did I get a gay one? The questions went on and on (much to the chagrin of religion teachers).

Guardian angels are not high on the list of my beliefs, but I do believe that those who have truly loved us, and gone before us to wherever it is we go, keep an eye on those of us who are still back here. I will sometimes catch myself thanking my Dad when I remember something important, or narrowly miss some calamity or another, or have something really great happen. And if I know my father at all, he'll certainly be looking out for Baby Bear.

So, with the Bears here in the everyday, and my dad looking on from afar, you should be just fine Baby Bear. Just fine. Despite the fact that Mama Bear and I may not know the slightest bit about choosing a baby monitor (?!?! have you ever seen the choices available?) or actually putting those cloth diapers on a human baby. Honestly, it will be okay. But now, it's time for me to get moving, so I can be ready for the cavalcade of projects that is a visit from my in-laws.

Ready or Not, Here He Comes!

I'm not sure that this blog should start yet, as the true reason for it won't be here for at least a few more weeks, but I'm still typing, so I guess it will, whether I'm sure or not. That's quite an apt way to start for this subject, since our family is about to change in much the same way. Here he comes, ready or not. I suppose I should explain all of this, lest this blog become some sort of Virgina Woolf "To the Lighthouse"-esque in media res exercise in literary devices. (Ohhh, I love it when that English major my father found questionable comes in handy for sentences like that!!) So without further ado, it begins....

I am a soon to be lesbian mama of what I suspect will be a brutally handsome baby boy. I suspect this, because my partner, who we will call Mama Bear, is, quite honestly, the must beautiful and glowing pregnant woman ever, save for possibly the Virgin Mary. (Before you get all up in arms and suspect I am some Bible-thumping homo, you should know something. I'm a recovering Catholic-14 years clean-but some old habits die hard, so when I refer to all things Catholic, know that it is not in any sort of devout way). Mama Bear resembles one particular old-time movie beauty, and has an amazing laugh and perfectly proportioned features, so I'm glad she's donating half of her DNA to this fellow, because he's bound to be a heartbreaker.

But let's get back to the point, shall we? And that point was me. Me, the most amazingly lucky dyke, who in a few weeks will get to see Mama Bear bring this little man into our home, and watch as her pregnancy glow changes into the glow of a thoroughly exhausted but, I suspect, ecstatically happy new Mama Bear.

So our family is about to change in ways I'm sure we can't even imagine. Or might not want to. Or may be unable to due to some survival instinct adaptation of the species that won't let you know what you're in for, because if you did no one would ever give birth. Who knows, but I do know it's about to change.

This weekend, however, is Pride, and Mama Bear and I have a lot to be proud of. We've both overcome a fair number of obstacles in our day, and have both worked hard to get to a place where we enjoy our jobs (most days) and are doing something we each love. We have some great pets and a great family on the Bear side, despite what that Goldilocks story may have you believe. We have a great home that we will actually own in 28 or so years (why do people say they own their homes? No you don't, the bank owns your home, you rent from the bank), and on many days, that home is filled with friends and neighbors that we love like family.

All in all, we have a lot to be proud of, but this will be the last year we are not "proud parents." It's strange and wonderful and exciting and scary and crazy-making to contemplate that, especially given that I often feel as if college was yesterday and that someone should really be paying closer attention to me, lest I hurt myself. But, someone, somewhere, saw fit to send those $300+ per vial sperm hurtling into Mama Bear's egg about 9 months ago, so we'll be the ones paying attention quite soon.

I don't know what I intend to do with this blog, but I feel like it's important to get thoughts and pictures all together some place, so that this little man can someday look and know how very much he is loved. Some of my own larger obstacles grew from a place of not knowing that, so this guy, my guy, is going to know that better than anything, and starting even now, before he confirms that handsomeness that I know is on the way. So, sit back and get ready, because things are about to change, ready or not.